And not much more left. Well, plenty left. However, not much for lightweight me to become incoherent.
Wish I could find an original thought at the moment, but I can’t. I’m up against a wall. Oh, but a pretty wall it is. A wall of texture, spaces between the bricks, flowers growing in the cracks. But I’m not interested. I’m interested in going somewhere. Not slamming my head here. I think if I stare in the crevices I can find a million places to go. It’s the small things that matter, right? Who am I quoting? No one. Of course.
I have photographs strewn along my piano. Photos that are not in frames. Photos that should not be in frames. Well, some could be. But the crazy one of Chucky Cheese’s from the early 1990’s is not really framable. But it brings out a reaction in me. I do not know why. Perhaps I know why, but this is not the appropriate venue to discuss. My older sister is in this picture. It’s an ordinary day. Well, it was my baby sister’s birthday. My older sister is holding a camcorder the size of Russia and pointing it at a table. At the table I can see my mother wearing a blue floral dress, her back to the camera, a fork in her hand, something unknown on her plate. In front of her is my grandfather, tall, grand and intimidating as I remember him (RIP sweet friend). He’s slightly bent over a plate. His face is not hidden from the camera, but his expression is giving no clues. He’s holding the crust of a pizza in his hand. And his sister in law is seated next to him, I remember her. She’s my dad’s aunt, she came from Egypt and stayed with us at that time. She stayed in the extra room in the basement. It was creepy down there. I would never have done it. I hate that room in the basement. I hate that bloody basement.
The rest of the picture is arbitrary nonsense. It’s a mess of people wearing early 90’s fashion, sitting at long tables like mannequins stuck in non-human expressions. You can see the stage in the distance. I see the big fat Gorilla on stage. I was scared of that thing. But surely I wasn’t afraid when this pic was taken, cause it was the baby sister’s birthday party and I had grown up just a bit. I think I see myself in this picture. I’m not sure if it is me. But I’m in the distance with that familiar big frizzy hair. And my mouth is open in mid-sentence. But of course I would be in mid-sentence wouldn’t I? And someone would capture that. And that would be the portrait of my life. Me in mid-sentence. In the in between. Stuck between the past and the future. And the present is just an uncomfortable position. It’s a waiting room.
Damn my moon sign! (I’m a scorpio moon) I never believed these things, but I think it’s true. I’m way too intense with every kind of emotion I experience.
These pictures on my piano remind me of things. I go into them when I sit there playing arpeggiations. I know who I was. I remember those from which I came. You can spend your whole life wondering, “who are these from which I come from?” Ah, but you are that from which you came. But am I?
Maybe one more glass and I will find another tangent to take me farther from the answer. It’s more comfortable to dive into pillows of questions rather than slam yourself on the hard pavement of answers. I don’t want to know anything.
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You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry. Most people do. ~Norman Juster
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. ~Bertrand Russell
To be ignorant of one’s ignorance is the malady of ignorance. ~A. Bronson Alcott
Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe. ~Frank Zappa
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. ~Albert Einstein
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